Conflict Management with Coworkers

Conflict is inevitable and managing it well is the key to resolution.

The Source

The personality types described in this lesson are from the book Discovering Your Personality Type: The NEW Enneagram Questionnaire by Don Richard Riso (ISBN 0395710928). You might enjoy using this book to take the test and learn more about your own personality type and communication style.

We’re a Mixed Bag!

Very few people fall completely into one personality type. Most of us exhibit characteristics and tendencies that make us dominant in one type. But we also have what are called personality wings; these are our secondary personality styles. Think of yourself like a motorcycle with a sidecar; your dominant personality style is the motorcycle itself, and the sidecar is your secondary style.

Why We Have Conflict: The Personality Types

In this lesson, we’ll take a look at the nine primary personality types outlined by Don Richard Riso in his book, Discovering Your Personality Type. If you’re interested in more detailed descriptions of the personality styles, or would like an assessment of your own personality style, you may want to get a copy of this book. It’s available at most libraries as well as http://www.bn.com.

TYPE ONE: The Reformer

Identification Tips:

• Is a perfectionist
• Favors logic, information, and details
• Uses words such as MUST and SHOULD
• Is neat, well-organized, punctual, and exact
• Has strong control over emotions

Dominant Patterns:

• Moves toward the ideal and perfection
• Likes details and facts
• Has a strong sense of right and wrong
• Loves rules and policies because they clarify right and wrong
• Compares everything to the ideal
• Notices what’s wrong or what’s missing
• Sees everything as black and white

Examples:

Hillary Clinton is an example of a Reformer. Fictional characters include Monica from Friends and Murray from The Mary Tyler Moore Show.

TYPE TWO: The Helper

Identification Tips:

• Puts others’ needs above their own
• Is a good listener
• Can be a slow talker
• Places a lot of importance on people and relationships

Dominant Patterns:

• Moves toward acceptance, freedom, and helping
• Likes people
• Can be passive or quiet
• Compares everything to the ideal
• Observes and hones in on the problems of others
• Prefers the big picture, not details
• Has a slow tempo
• Has an external frame of reference and seeks acceptance from others
• Empathizes towards others’ feelings

Examples:

Barbara Bush and the late Princess Diana are examples of Helpers. Fictional examples include Mary from The Mary Tyler Moore Show and Dr. Greene from ER.

TYPE THREE: The Motivator

Identification Tips:

• Is highly motivated and success-oriented
• Tends to be well-groomed, well-attired, and attractive
• Is hard-working and image conscious
• Is a good planner and self-promoter
• Asserts oneself and is a go-getter

Dominant Patterns:

• Moves toward accomplishments, success, and looking good
• Sorts according to activity (rather than people or details)
• Is goal-oriented
• Is future-oriented
• Prefers visual mediums
• Has a medium to fast tempo
• Packages oneself and does things that get attention

Examples:

Bill Clinton is an example of a Motivator; Tony Robbins is perhaps the most glaringly Type Three person on the planet! Fictional examples include Jerry McGuire and George Jefferson from The Jeffersons.

TYPE FOUR: The Artist

Identification Tips:

• Has a unique or outstanding style (i.e., clothing, style, manner)
• Can be dramatic, moody, sensitive, and somewhat withdrawn
• Thrives on intensity
• Can be envious of other people

Dominant Patterns:

• Moves toward being unique or authentic and creative
• Responds to opinions
• Compares oneself to others
• Has a highly developed visual sense
• Is highly emotional
• Can be passive
• Focuses on the past and very little on the future

Examples:

As you might expect, many real-life artists fall into this category. Madonna and Michael Jackson are two that come to mind. The best fictional examples are Ted from The Mary Tyler Moore Show and Phoebe from Friends.

TYPE FIVE: The Thinker

Identification Tips:

• Has expertise in some unique or specialized field
• Covets privacy
• Loves knowledge and is information-oriented
• Can be uneasy in social settings
• Is a minimalist and never trendy
• Has a disorganized desk

Dominant Patterns:

• Moves toward knowledge and solitude
• Sorts by information
• Is often out of touch with feelings
• Has an internal frame of reference
• Takes a long time to make a decision

Examples:

Bill Gates is the most striking example. The best fictional example is Frasier from Frasier.

TYPE SIX: The Loyalist

Identification Tips:

• Prefers established rules, guidelines, or philosophies
• Focuses on worst-case scenarios
• Is indecisive and frequently flip-flops
• Can be contradictory in nature
• Places a high priority on loyalty and trust

Dominant Patterns:

• Moves toward security and loyalty
• Moves away from conflict
• Sorts by information and scans for “danger signs”
• Can be passive
• Has an external frame of reference and prefers to align oneself with someone stable and seemingly greater

Examples:

The late Richard Nixon is an example of a Type Six, or the character of Cliff from Cheers.

TYPE SEVEN: The Generalist

Identification Tips:

• Is optimistic, full of life, and fun-loving
• Tends to be outgoing, spontaneous, and aggressive
• Is witty, charming, and charismatic
• Is multi-talented, knowledgeable about many things, and has many interests
• Loves attention and hates boredom

Dominant Patterns:

• Moves toward pleasure and choice
• Moves away from commitment
• Sorts by activity and searches for new or exciting experiences
• Looks at the big picture
• Has a medium to fast tempo
• Is proactive and aggressive about getting their own way
• Has an internal frame of reference and internally decides if something is worth their attention

Examples:

Bill Maher, the late John F. Kennedy, and George Clooney are examples of Generalists. From the fictional world, an example is Dharma from Dharma and Greg.

TYPE EIGHT: The Leader

Identification Tips:

• Is strong-willed, confident, dominant, bossy, or a leader
• Prefers straight talk and getting to the bottom line
• Has a short fuse and is quick to anger.
• Can be intense and may love a good fight
• Is very aggressive and persuasive about getting their own way

Dominant Patterns:

• Is in control, power-focused, and fears losing power
• Is proactive
• Has a strongly developed internal frame of reference
• Sorts by people, information, and activity
• Moves toward desires

Examples:

Mike Wallace and Elizabeth Taylor are typical Type Eights. Fictional examples include Bobby from The Practice and Dirty Harry.

TYPE NINE: The Peacemaker

Identification Tips:

• Has a gentle attitude and a soothing quality
• Is very agreeable
• Can be a slow talker
• Is optimistic and always sees the good in people or situations
• Can be somewhat withdrawn or has trouble asserting oneself or addressing their own needs

Dominant Patterns:

• Moves toward union, peace, and harmony and away from conflict
• Sorts by people
• Is kinesthetic and emotional
• Has an external frame of reference and lets others’ opinions supercede their own

Examples:

Jimmy Carter is a good example of a Peacemaker. Edith from All in the Family and Woody from Cheers are good fictional examples.

How to Interact Most Effectively With the Various Personality Types

TYPE ONE: The Reformer

DO:

• Be punctual
• Let Type Ones do things the way they want to do them
• Be practical and straightforward. Reformers are generally forward and reserved and prefer objective facts to subjective opinions.
• Get down to business right away
• Emphasize logic and practicality
• Speak at a slow to medium pace
• Be factual
• Keep small talk short (around 30 seconds)

DON’T:

• Criticize
• Question their integrity
• Display inconsistent behavior or immoral behavior
• Talk too quickly
• Make broad, general statements
• Place tight deadlines on a decision
• Apply time pressure in any way

TYPE TWO: The Helper

DO:

• Take time to “small talk” before getting down to business. This is the person where your small talk may run up to the full two-minute mark.
• Spend time developing a relationship with a Helper. When you let business come second, your chances of doing business at all increases significantly.
• Do something nice for them (pay them a compliment)
• Emphasize the benefits to people over the bottom line
• Place more emphasis on the general, rather than specifics

DON’T:

• Talk fast or impersonally
• Forget to thank them

TYPE THREE: The Motivator

DO:

• Praise their accomplishments
• Give them room to open up and express their true feelings
• Present them with opportunities that allow them to excel
• Show how your plan will help make them stand out and be recognized
• Be future-focused

DON’T:

• Ignore them
• Focus on their defeats
• Focus on anything negative
• Talk about the past or refer to past successes. They want to know what your future plans are.

TYPE FOUR: The Artist

DO:

• Make them feel unique or special
• Give them room to open up and express their true feelings
• Present them with opportunities that allow them to excel
• Show how your plan will help make them stand out and be recognized
• Sell the uniqueness of your proposal, idea, or product

DON’T:

• Ignore them
• Focus on their defeats
• Focus on anything negative
• Talk about specifics
• Spend too much time on one topic

TYPE FIVE: The Thinker

DO:

• Be logical in your presentation
• Provide detailed supporting facts for any claims
• Give them plenty of time to make a decision

DON’T:

• Question their competency
• Rush them
• Pressure them
• Intrude their space
• Spend a lot of time on the warm-up, unless it’s business-related

TYPE SIX: The Loyalist

DO:

• Be positive
• Make decision-making as easy as possible for them. Don’t overload them with too many options. Start off by asking them to make small, relatively easy decisions.
• Stay grounded and reassuring

DON’T:

• Take an unfamiliar point of view
• Be evasive
• Pressure them
• Shift gears
• Argue with them. These people take seemingly forever to make up their mind, but once they do, there is little anyone can do to change it.

TYPE SEVEN: The Generalist

DO:

• Match their enthusiasm and energy levels
• Be optimistic
• Give them plenty of room. They hate being boxed in.
• Make the presentation exciting — move it along!
• React to what they are saying

DON’T

• Limit their choices or restrict their freedom
• Demonstrate pessimism or any type of negativity

TYPE EIGHT: Leader

DO:

• Be straightforward with them. They hate indirectness.
• Match their intensity
• Let them feel as if they are in charge
• Keep warm-ups to a minimal and make it straight talk. Don’t small-talk to these folks about the weather!
• Speak in a fast pace

DON’T

• Tell them what they can and cannot do
• Try to con or take advantage of them
• Be indecisive or wimpy
• Be soft-spoken

TYPE NINE: Peacemaker

DO:

• Focus on the positive
• Speak slowly
• Stick with the familiar. They are creatures of habit and comfort.
• Spend more time on small talk — perhaps up to the full two-minute mark.

DON’T:

• Pressure them
• Put them in positions that will force them to be confrontational
• Push them aside

Conflict Is Tearing Workplaces Apart: Survey

According to a Workplace Today online survey, a large majority of readers say that conflict is causing a lot of disruptions in their workplaces. On a scale of 1-10, 68 percent rate the damage a 7 or higher.

When asked, “Is conflict disrupting your workplace?” 11 percent rated it a 10, 34 percent gave it an 8, and 23 percent gave it a 7.

What to Do about Conflict Between Departments

Two Types of Conflict

In the workplace there are substantive conflicts and personalized conflicts. Substantive conflicts can be good because they deal with disagreements about the substance of issues such as decisions, ideas, directions, and actions.

Substantive Conflict

Substantive conflict can occur on just about any issue, but its moving force is that the two parties simply disagree about an issue. Handled correctly, parties in conflict can create, for themselves and those around them, the ability to resolve an issue with something creative — something better than the original position of either party.

The primary caveats of substantive conflict management are:

1. Discussions are entered into with a goal of solving the problem, not winning.
2. Substantive conflict is fueled by a desire to reach a win/win solution.
3. Substantive conflict takes into account the needs of each party, as well as the overall good of the company.

Personalized Conflict

The second form, personalized conflict, is often called a personality conflict. In this form, the two parties simply “don’t like each other much.”

While substantive conflict, if handled correctly, can be very productive, personalized conflict is almost never a good thing. Here are several reasons:

1. Personalized conflict is fueled primarily by emotion (usually anger, frustration) and perceptions about someone else’s personality, character, or motives. When conflict is personalized and extreme, each party acts as if the other is suspect as a person.
2. Because personalized conflict is about emotions and not issues, problem-solving almost never works. Neither party is really interested in solving a problem. In fact, in extreme cases, the parties go out of their ways to create new ones — imagined or real.
3. Personalized conflicts almost always get worse over time, if they cannot be converted to substantive conflict. That’s because each person expects problems, looks for them, finds them, and gets angrier.

A Process to Handle Conflict

STEP ONE: Identify Which Type of Conflict You’re In

When involved in a conflict situation, it is important that you are aware of whether you and the other party are dealing with a substantive conflict or a personalized one. It isn’t always easy to tell them apart, and it is difficult to look honestly at oneself. Ask yourself the following questions:

1. Do I dislike the other person or get frustrated with them?
2. Do I see the other person as untrustworthy and undeserving of respect?
3. Is my emotional reaction to the conflict appropriate to its seriousness or lack thereof?
4. Do I really want to “win”?

If the answer to any of these questions is yes, you may be setting yourself up for a personalized conflict that nobody can win in the long term.

STEP TWO: Move To Substantive Issues

Even in situations where both you and the other party have personalized the conflict, you can work to focus on specific issues. You do not have direct control over another person, but you do have control over yourself. By moving to the issues, and staying there, you will also encourage the other person to do so.

It isn’t easy, of course. The trick is to try to put aside your negative perceptions about the other person, and not to dwell on them. That’s an internal thing. Every time you think to yourself “what an idiot”(or all the other negative things), you make it more difficult to stay focused on problem-solving, rather than winning or getting your own way.

STEP THREE: Work To Prevent Personalization

It is rare that personalization occurs just on the basis of two incompatible personalities. Usually, personalization occurs because conflict on substantive issues is handled badly. That is, one or both parties behave in non-cooperative ways.

STEP FOUR: Find the Common Points of Agreement

In almost any conflict, it’s possible to find areas where you can agree. This is a process called Priority Matrixing.

In any conflict there will be things that are a high priority for you. But those things are probably a low priority for the other person.

If the two of you continue to focus only on your individual high-priority issues, what are the chances that you’ll reach an agreeable solution? ZERO! The best starting place for resolving substantive conflict is to start with the issues that match. These are the issues that are a high priority for both of you.

It’s Common Sense

Managing and avoiding conflict in the workplace really boils down to one simple idea: respecting other people and treating them with dignity.

Managing Disagreements Before They Erupt Into Conflict

The best way to handle conflicts is to catch them before they erupt into actual conflicts. But how can you do that? Following these steps can help you identify and resolve conflict before it begins.

Identify the types of questions the other person is asking.

Questions in the workplace basically fall into two categories: challenge and information-seeking.

Information-seeking questions are productive; they are an honest attempt to gain a deeper understanding of the issue at hand.

The challenge question, on the other hand, is one intended to cast doubt on your suggestion or idea. Skeptics most often use challenge questions. An example of a challenge question would be, “Are you sure that won’t interfere with productivity in my department?”

If the question is a challenge question — project confidence, then supply supporting facts.

Your goal is to reassure the person that what you are suggesting is reasonable. Then, ask the person if the facts you just mentioned seem reasonable. This will open a productive dialogue that is aimed at substantive conflict resolution.

If the other person still refuses to see your point of view, identify “match” areas in the priority matrix.

You may even want to list where your matches lie, i.e., both of your high-priority interests. This gives you a starting point for rational discussion and will prevent escalation into conflict.

Assignment: Conflict Management with Coworkers

Read pages 59-81 in your course text, The Etiquette Advantage in Business.